Au Pair From Russia
by uptightcrankyshadownet
Summary: AU where Alexandra Udinov becomes au pair to Nikita and Michael Mears' son, and gets more than she bargained for in the form of Nikita Mears. M for smutty later chapter(s).
1. First Meeting

She didn't know what to expect, her first time out of Russia, her first time as an au pair- but it wasn't this. The house wasn't the grand mansion she'd envisioned, with elegant statues in a wide, flourishing garden, a towering three-storey standalone with a balcony held up by pillars, and a handcarved birdhouse. It was magnificent nonetheless; minimalistic, huge ivory and chocolate-brown panels, simplistic window frames, stark and open.

"Wow..." Alexandra Udinov breathed, getting out of the limousine and taking in the sheer majestic beauty of the house. "красивый."

_Beautiful._

Then the door above the front stairs was gracelessly flung open and a young, carefree-looking young woman came half-flying down the steps, barefoot, a huge grin on her face and her long hair whipping in the wind behind her. Alex blinked in surprise, stepping back almost instinctively as the woman came skidding to a halt. Her face was flushed with excitement, eyes sparkling, and Alex was sent reeling by the sound of voice when she chirped, "Hello!"

"красивый," She repeated, in a daze, then quickly pulled herself back together. "привет- Hello," The younger girl stammered out a reply, taken slightly aback.

"I'm Nikita Mears! You must be Alex!" The gorgeous specimen in front of her let out a laugh that practically rippled through Alex, and she found herself smiling. Nikita's enthusiasm was infectious. "I hope Seymour gave you a good ride home." Alex turned to look at the chauffeur, who nodded politely and flashed a grin at Alex. "It's so nice to meet you."

"You're Nikita Mears?" Alex exclaimed a little, unable to keep the surprise out of her voice. When she had been assigned and instructed by the trainers at the school, she had imagined her host family would be regal, like royalty- posh, maybe even arrogant. But Nikita... well, she definitely didn't seem that way.

Nikita winked playfully. "Not like what you imagined?"

"Well... no." Alex admitted, embarrassed. "But it's... very nice to meet you, too."

"Come on in," Nikita took the canvas bag in Alex's hand, prancing back up the staircase into the house. "Michael and Matthew are out at the park right now; I'll just take you to your room first. What do you say?"

Alex was too in awe of the interior of the house, furnished with all sorts of resplendent decor and furniture, exotic and flamboyant, all clashing yet blending together in a perfect way. All she could mumble was a soft "sure" as she pulled her suitcase behind her, admiring everything around her, jaw open. It was so different, and yet she knew she wanted to stay here, forever.

"Here, follow me upstairs," Nikita gestured at the spiral staircase curving up a floor, leading into a glass-lined second deck. It wasn't a complete floor, Alex realized, impressed. Just... half. It was so creative, she mused while dragging the heavy luggage case up the steps and then out into a giant sheltered balcony- minimalistic just like the rest of the house. It was reinforced glass all around except for the wall which connected what seemed like Matthew's bedroom to her own, hanging over the side of the house, with black marble tiles under her feet. A cozy-looking bed had already been set up, along with a wardrobe, study table, computer... and there was a small walled-up area in the corner which she assumed was a bathroom. Overwhelmed, Alex turned to Nikita. "This is my room?"

"Do you like it?"

"Yes! A lot!" Alex forgot all about being prim and proper in the moment, wanting to run around and take a very close look at everything. This was way beyond her wildest dreams. It was glorious.

"Good." Nikita sounded satisfied, placing Alex's bag on the floor. "Do you need anything special? A treadmill, or maybe a few bookshelves... just tell me and Michael, and we'll get it for you."

Alex felt a rush of gratitude, of disbelief. "I... I really... this is so..." She was left speechless.

Nikita beamed, flashing a perfect smile. "You're welcome." She put her arm around the girl. "Look, I hope that in the course of this year, you'll be more than our au pair. I want you to be a friend, too. A part of the family, you know?" Nikita's grin widened. "Would you like that?"

Alex gazed up at the eyes glowing with kindness, with affection, and she felt her heart drop into her stomach. No, she _couldn't _afford to feel like this again- not when she only had a year, not when she knew she was going to get torn away again, in the end. She forced a smile onto her lips and nodded. "Yeah, I think I would."

"Great," Her host patted her on the shoulder. "I'll leave you to unpack, yes? After dinner- dinner's at seven, by the way- Michael and Matthew will be back then, I'll show you around a bit. Remember, breakfast's at seven, after which Michael leaves for work and I'll be downstairs handling things in the kitchen." Alex rapidly recalled the information she'd been supplied with- Michael was a civil servant of some sort, and Nikita ran a bakery of sorts from her house. _Oh yes. _"Lunch is at one; only Matthew, you and I have lunch at home. Pantry's open to everyone, Michael does shopping on Fridays so just leave the list on the fridge. Mail's sorted into the boxes in the living room, so if you ever need to send anything put it in the Out box, and collect anything you might get in the In box. And if you ever have any questions, just ask." Nikita sauntered out with one parting line. "You are welcome in our home, Alex."

Once the door was shut, dark caramel wood contrasting with the bright red brick wall, Alex sat down on the bed and took a deep breath. _Wow. _

"Это удивительно." She shook her head in amused incredulity while opening her suitcase and unpacking all her things, getting used to the feel of the place. She'd be here for twelve months... she'd better get used to it fast.

She finished at six-thirty and a glance downstairs told her that Michael and Matthew were back. Alex descended the stairs to greet them, standing awkwardly at the landing while Nikita ran out of the kitchen and hugged them. "Welcome home."

"Love you." Michael kissed his wife on the cheek and gave Alex a warm smile. "And I presume you're Alexandra?"

"Just Alex," She answered, bowing a little. "It's nice to meet you."

"Indeed." Michael passed the little child to Nikita, and Alex observed he couldn't be older than half a year. He was adorable, huge hazel eyes and a cheeky twinkle in his eyes that resembled his mother's. "Make yourself at home, Alex. You may treat us as your family while you're here."

Alex nodded, feeling the familiar lightning burst shudder down her spine again, making her tingle a little inside.

She liked this family already. It felt like coming home.


	2. Flight and Friendships

Two weeks in, Alex felt like she'd been living in the house for the entirety of her short life. Her body clock had adapted so well she was up at six sharp every single day and helping Nikita and Michael prepare breakfast together in the kitchen, savouring the mixed scents of the fresh pretzels and boules Nikita appeared to be famous around the neighbourhood for. Michael and Alex exchanged tips and tricks over the stove, with Alex dutifully noting down how to cook Western-style cuisine while she taught Michael recipes she'd memorized before leaving Russia. They'd even picked up a few Russian phrases.

It really felt like she was part of the family. Somehow, it felt warm inside, the most mundane things- the messy scrawl of her grocery list beside Michael and Nikita's, the way Matthew's tiny starfish hand would close around her finger when she watched over him in the afternoons, tending to the garden by Michael's side on Sunday the week she'd arrived, washing the silver Kia Optima in the frontyard with Nikita. She was well and truly home, where she belonged- with people who against all odds truly respected and cared about her. Michael had gallantly helped shift a bookshelf into her room- and today, with Michael off at work, Nikita decided, on the spur of the moment, to take Alex book shopping at the nearby bookstore. The au pair had protested violently at the thought of the numerous books she would inevitably end up carting home being paid for by her hosts, and Nikita had resorted to nearly half-dragging Alex along while the girl pushed Matthew's stroller.

The mood had been uplifting, to say the least. If Alex had been happy before she was positively walking on air five hours later, hoisting a carton of new books in her arms- fiction, non-fiction, study material, enrichment, guilty pleasure, some stationery, a few pillow books for Matthew, who was batting at the colourful new buys.

"You're happy with your haul?"

"Oh yes." Alex chirped enthusiastically. She couldn't express in words how grateful she was to Nikita, who had patiently spent the afternoon in the bookstore with her helping to pick out books and watching over Matthew together as a pair. "Спасибо."

"Thank you," Nikita translated, pride flashing in her eyes. "You're welcome."

They reached the house to see the Kia already in the driveway. Nikita's eyebrows shot up a little, frowning in surprise. "Michael's home already?"

Alex was as puzzled as her host- she'd fallen in step with the household and Michael was _never _back this early. She pushed the stroller to the shed and scooped Matthew into her arms, following Nikita into the house. Michael was sitting on the sofa, feet flat against the ground and his brows furrowed. He was speaking forcefully into his mobile phone, frustrated and angry. "You know and I know that Amanda can handle this too. Why can't you send her instead?"

There was a heated jabbering on the other end of the wire and Michael rolled his eyes, smoothing his fingers through his hair. "I can't afford to leave now, Percy, look-" There was a snapping static sound, and the look on Michael's face told Nikita and Alex that whatever the argument had been about, he'd been defeated. "Fine."

A sharp click, and the vexed man flung his cellphone onto the armchair, swearing like a sailor. "I can't believe this."

Nikita glanced over at Alex and Matthew, frozen by the display cabinets. The little boy looked startled by his father's loud outburst, lip beginning to tremble in the start of a bawl.

"Alex, would you bring Matt up to his room, please? We'll have him down for mealtime later."

The girl got the hint, racing up the spiral staircase as quickly as she could, soothing the child and humming a lullaby under her breath. She was disturbed; Michael rarely blew up like that, as far as she knew, and she was anxious to see what had gotten her host so irked.

Once Matt was safely in his cot, Alex quietly padded over to the staircase landing, slowly but surely making her way back downstairs. Nikita was sitting in the armchair, looking rather dazed, but her teeth were gritted, and she looked as enraged as Michael at that moment. Their black faces struck a sudden fear in Alex, and she stopped on the last step, unsure whether she ought to approach them. Nikita looked up, hearing the tread of her footsteps, and wearily beckoned her over.

"Alex," Her voice took on a rather formal tone. "Michael will be leaving the country after tomorrow for about ten months or so."

Her jaw dropped open, and her throat went dry. _Чтo? _

Michael, who usually looked so vibrant and cheerful, seemed helpless right then. "I don't know why Percy had to put me on the job, send me to an overseas post- and halfway around the world, too, some place I've never heard of. He _knows _there's Amanda, and Roan even, but he sends me? I have a son, a wife here!" His hands were clasped together in a fist and he brought them up to his forehead. "I won't have a break at all; I won't be able to come back, not even for a weekend. This is incorrigible."

Alex felt a clenching twist in her heart, looking sideways at the tears in Nikita's reddening eyes. Ten months was a long, long time. She'd already become fond of these two people, and knowing that one of them wasn't going to be physically around for a while hurt more than she'd expected.

"Alex, you'll take care of Matthew and Nikita for me, won't you?" MIchael looked at her meaningfully. "I'm counting on you."

She raised herself up to her full height, forcing the tremble out of her voice. "I will."

Michael nodded and turned his attention to Nikita, putting an arm around her waist and bringing his lips to her ear, beginning to speak quietly to her. Seconds in she buried her face in his shoulder, shaking with silent sobs. Alex watched uncomfortably, the sickening feeling rising in her stomach. This couldn't be happening.

Dinner was a solemn affair, with the customarily dynamic, spirited Nikita picking at her food, unable to eat. Even Alex didn't have much of an appetite, despite the long-awaited cherished carton of books in her room- somehow, that didn't mitigate the fact that Michael was leaving and wouldn't be back for a long, long time.

The company was providing an apartment, basic necessities and a visa, amongst other things, but Michael still had two suitcases to pack before he left to the airport the next day. At ten when Alex was trying to lose herself in her new copy of Fahrenheit 451 and forget about the impending division within the family, Michael knocked on the door and asked if they could talk.

"Alex, I think you have a inkling of knowledge, do you not?"

She cocked her head to the right, bewildered. "What do you mean?"

Michael stuffed his hands into his pockets, exhaling deeply. "I mean that... well, I knew this was coming. Percy- my boss- he's had his mind on it for a while, said that really, I was the only one he trusted to head the business over there." Alex's eyes widened, and he shot her a pleading glance that asked her to let him finish. "It was my idea to hire you. Honestly, Nikita and I can handle Matt just fine. But I knew this was going to happen sooner or later, even though I tried to dissuade Percy till the end... so I made my plans. I got you, because I thought you would become friends with Niki easily, you know what I mean? I never wanted you to be an au pair per se. I wanted you to be a friend." He gave her a fond smile. "A friend, and I see you as a little of a daughter, if only for a year."

Alex felt the prick of hot tears in her eyes. "I see."

"Take care of Niki, and Matt. Please."

"Yes. I will." She promised, touching her fingers to her heart. "I promise."

They watched from outside the huge glass panels the next day as Michael walked through Customs and entered the departure lounge, turning back one final time and looking at them with sadness written all over his features. Alex had raised Matthew's arm and helped him give his father a wave, her heart breaking at how he was still so little and didn't really understand. He was burbling happily, exposed to the new, busy environment of the airport terminal, while his mother's eyes were red with tears, looking at Michael's back rapidly disappearing into the lounge.

"Come on, Nikita, we have to go home." She broke the silence after a while in the gentlest tone she could possibly put across. "He'll be home soon."

She turned away almost robotically, allowing Alex to put a hand on her shoulder and guide her to the Kia. It was going to be okay. She'd made a promise to Michael- and she would honour it.

Ten months to go.


	3. History

It had been a week since Michael left for Hong Kong, and it hadn't been lost on Alex that Nikita spent a great deal more time in the kitchen, baking loaves of bread that far surpassed her incoming orders, then giving them out around the neighbourhood. It was obviously her solace, her way of venting her grief, her loneliness. Alex would inevitably end up with a few of the delicious specimens, and every time she consumed one, it was as if she could almost taste the sorrow and anguish that Nikita had baked into the bread, kneading misery into the flour and yeast, pouring her frustration into the mix along with the water and milk, the heat of the oven as hot as the blazing anger at how unreasonable Percy had been. The emotions were bouncing off Matthew, who didn't seem to feel much of a change in the atmosphere and stayed his same babbling, bubbly self- but Alex was absorbing them along with fibre and carbs when she partook in the bread. It made the mood strained, almost at breaking point, and it was beginning to hurt. She had promised Michael to look after mother and son, after all, and Alex ached for the bright, cheerful Nikita she had met on the first day...

"Do you think I'm clingy?"

Alex looked up from the dishes she was absent-mindedly scrubbing, surprised by the unexpected question breaking her train of thoughts. Nikita was pulling fresh baguettes out of the oven, laying them out by the friselles on the metal tray, and for a moment the au pair thought she'd imagined things, until Nikita repeated the question.

"Clingy?"

Nikita turned to look at her, and Alex's heart dropped like a stone when she saw the reddish hue that had seemed to take permanent residence in her host's eyes. "Yeah. Still so..." She gestured weakly, her hand falling to her side after turning the oven off. "Upset after a week. You know."

Alex cocked her head to the side, giving her host a soft gaze. "I still miss Russia, after three- you're not clingy."

"It's your home."

"Он твой муж." She reasoned. "He's your husband, father of your son. I'm not surprised you're still miserable."

Nikita gave her a faint smile. "How do you always know what to say?"

Encouraged, Alex went on. "You must love him a lot.

She laughed quietly, then- in an action that stunned Alex silent- she shook her head. "Michael and I- I've always been so attached to him. We went through hell and back together- grew up together in a slum area, he taught me how to fight and defend myself. I was fifteen when he disappeared for a year... and I didn't hear a thing from him. That year was one of my worst- scavenging for food alone, sleeping in the freezing cold alone- everything." She exhaled, sighing. "He didn't appear until twelve months later in the dead of night, telling me to run away with him and start a new life, and I climbed over the barbed wire fence immediately. He was just protection. He represented safety, escape, hope." She cracked a tiny grin on seeing Alex's amazed expression. "Didn't expect that, did you? I never stopped training myself- I can still kill someone with my bare hands, and I think I can still ricochet a coin off my stomach."

_You're such an enigma, _Alex thought, awed. Now that Nikita spoke about it, she could see the taut lines of defined muscle under Nikita's arms, the light scars under the light, the kind that never really healed well. _How many more mysteries do you hide?_

Nikita continued narrating her story. "Michael and I got married when we were twenty, had Matthew three years later. I thought I loved him. I was still young, and having grown up in tough places, I thought I knew everything. I was wrong." One long, tapered finger traced patterns unconsciously on the redwood table near the cooling bread. "Michael is the best friend I could ask for- one of my only true friends. My mentor, my confidante, my friend... my brother. He means the world to me... and I married him because where else could I go when he went down on his knee and proposed? But I was never _in love_ with him." Nikita stressed the two words. "I was never in love with him. I know that now."

The Russian girl was partly fascinated, partly confused, partly aghast. "You married a man you don't love?"

"He loves me," Nikita responded quietly. "He loves Matthew, and I love my son, too, even if I'm not in love with Michael. I'm here out of duty, and because Michael and I have been there for each other since we were children. Him leaving for this time- it hurts not because my heart's lost my other half. It hurts because he's done it before, disappeared without telling me where he was going and making me think he'd abandoned me. It's like a recurring nightmare. He's gone, again, and it isn't love he's taken away, it's faith and trust and security. I can take care of myself, and Matthew, and you, if I need to, but it's that psychological barrier... you know what I mean?"

"I think so," Alex nodded. "Жизнь сложна. Life is complicated..."

Nikita began packing the loaves and pastries into individual cartons to be given out, briefly touching Alex's wet, soapy hand. "Спасибо, Alex. You're a good friend."

"С удовольствием." The au pair shivered at Nikita's touch, feeling the familiar shock of electricity jolt down her spine along with the cold chill of hearing 'friend'. _Was that all?_ Dread wormed into her stomach as she realized she was falling. She had to pull herself back over the edge.

She cast one look at the beautiful, maybe a little broken woman at the table, and bit her lip. Like that was going to be easy.

Alex whispered under her breath as she returned to her neglected task of cleaning the dishes, making sure Nikita couldn't hear. "Я думаю, что я люблю тебя."

_I'm gone. _


	4. Valentine's

A week before Valentine's Day Michael had finally Skyped Nikita and the rest of the family.

Her laptop had been open to a new tab listing an original recipe on how to make cherry cheesecake, the device sitting on the dining room table while Nikita had dug through the messy ingredients store when a loud, long-awaited ping had echoed through the room. Alex didn't think she or Nikita could have ever moved faster- Nikita had all but flung the unopened box of cherries back into the cupboard, slammed the door and darted in front of the table within seconds, with Alex following close behind after automatically grabbing Matthew, playing in the living room, into a bearhug and rushing to the laptop, knowing what to expect, preparing herself, steeling herself.

And yet, when Michael's face had appeared on the screen, grainy and off-colour, it had been Alex who had started crying first, not Nikita. The overwhelming relief, the look on Nikita's face that said everything Alex had needed to hear, and she'd broken down. With Nikita's arm around her shoulders, they'd listened to Michael tell them how he hadn't been able to access wi-fi until now, in his new company-provided apartment, listened to him update them on how things were going, how he missed them, and how he was sorry he wouldn't be able to call back for a while because of work. Matthew had said his first word in front of the screen, batting his hand excitedly and yelled "dada", and by the time the chat was over they were all more than a little teary. It had left Alex breathless- in a bad way- when Michael had looked straight at Nikita and murmured a genuine "I love you- happy Valentines' Day in advance," and she had seen the hesitation and inner battle in Nikita's body language before her host had breezed out a rehearsed "I love you too." that didn't have the right intonation, the right emotion.

She couldn't help but believe it was her fault that Nikita was doubting her marriage, doubting her feelings for Michael, and it terrified her to think that she might be breaking a family apart- maybe not physically... but emotionally? That was bad enough. Caring was not an advantage, whether it be for Michael who she saw as a father, almost; for Matthew, who she had grown to love with all her heart; for Nikita.

Five days after Michael had called, Alex had pushed aside the guilt looming over her like a storm cloud and concentrated on a short-term problem, the fact that Valentines' was in two days and she had no idea what to get her host. She tried to convince herself that it was a polite gesture, out of pure gratitude and such, and flatly forced herself not to think any deeper. The thing that was _really _setting her back was that she had literally nothing to give and all her ideas for what to buy turned up null and void. Something romantic but not the sappy, over-commericialized flowers and chocolates and teddy bears (the very thought made her want to throw up all over her shoes). Something meaningful. Something that Nikita would actually _use, _and would be reminded of Alex when she used it.

It wasn't till the wee hours of two in the morning in that realm of limbo between sleep and wakefulness that it finally dawned on her what she could get.

She requested time off that afternoon, headed down to the town centre and got the present custom made, fingers crossed behind her back when the clerk at the counter meticulously wrapped it up in plain, pretty paper. It was so strange, she marveled, how she was so anxious that Nikita would like it, and how crushed she knew she would be if it was the other way round.

Tomorrow was going to be nerve-wracking, she predicted.

It was.

Nikita greeted her at the breakfast table with a light-hearted "Happy Valentines'" that made Alex more nervous that she could ever have imagined. The long, flat box in her jeans pocket was poking her side and made her extremely edgy and uncomfortable. She said one more quick prayer, then smiled and took one deep breath to calm her racing heart and steady her nerves. She reached into her pocket and placed the box on the table, shoving it over right in front of Nikita.

"This is for you." The words rushed out of her lips, tumbling right over each other. "Happy Valentines' Day. I didn't know what to get you but I wanted to make it a surprise and I hope you'll like this. I got the colour to match your wardrobe scheme."

Nikita blinked in astonishment, taken aback as she looked down and fixed her eyes on the velvet case, fingers brushing the cover. "Alex, you shouldn't have."

The au pair shrugged nonchalantly. "Open it."

Deft fingers snapped the box open and the gasp Nikita let out sent a thrill down Alex's spine, the smile coming to her lips as her host reverently plucked the silver necklace out of its case and let it catch the light. The chain was long, delicate, and the transparent, glassy _Nikita _hung like one lonely gem of a star in the night sky. Simple but sophisticated and simply beautiful- just like its owner, in Alex's opinion. She watched as Nikita let the metal chain slide through her fingers and the pendant rest on her palm.

"It's magnificent, Alex. Спасибо, _thank you._" She carefully replaced the necklace in its case and went over to wrap her arms around Alex in an embrace, and Alex couldn't help but marvel at how they seemed to fit. "Thank you for this."

"You're welcome," She replied, feeling a little embarrassed, face flushed and delighted that the gift had been so well-received. "I'm just glad you like it."

"Help me put it on?" Nikita picked the necklace and handed it to Alex, turning around to allow the girl to loop the chain around her neck and fasten the clasp, letting the pendant rest just below the hollow of her throat, close to her heart. Nikita looked herself in the full-length mirror in the living room, admiring the accessory. "It really looks made for me."

"Yeah," Alex agreed, looking at her reflection over her shoulder. "It does."

It made her feel even happier, that every single day after Valentines', no matter what Nikita wore, Alex always saw the glint of crystal reflecting the light and the silver links in stark contrast to her neck. It was nice to think, really, that there was a little of her heart and soul with Nikita, all the time.


	5. Family

A family does things together. Mundane things. Everyday things. Movie nights every Saturday. Making Christmas cookies together. Going out to the amusement park together. Too many people took that time, those experiences shared, for granted.

Alex had eight months left with the people who'd grown to become more than hosts. So she didn't.

It was the little things that left her with a contented smile at nights, eyes closed, lying on her bed in the converted balcony in the dark with moonlight spilling on the ground and touching everything with a magical silvery glow.

Little things.

Like the time the newly married couple who'd moved into the house across the road had organized a housewarming barbecue and Nikita had insisted on taking Alex along. Somewhere in between her third helping of irresistibly delicious homemade kebabs and the punch bowl fiasco, Nikita had introduced her to some of her closer friends- Ryan in the last house down the street, Sean from across the block, Sonya just next door. Sean had taken one look at her, raised his eyebrows and laughed light-heartedly. "_You're _Alex?"

Alex's brows had knitted in confusion while Nikita had jabbed him hard in the ribs, looking furious. She'd been unsure how to react to his unexpected rhetorical and feeling stung by his tone- was she inferior, or something?

"Sorry," Sean had winced while Sonya and Ryan had sent disapproving glares his way. "It's just that... you know, from what Nikita told us about you, I'd expected you to be magic or something. Glorious angel wings, halo, ethereal, daughter of God or something."

That had eased the tension, and Sonya had broken into a peal of laughter. "I have to concede that. Nikita makes you sound like her personal guardian angel cum goddess sometimes." The group of five had had a good chuckle over that and conversation had proceeded smoothly after that, but she had taken a moment to smile at Nikita and mouth a "thanks", because what else could you say in those kinds of situations?

That night she'd slept fitfully, at peace. She was loved. She was wanted. People cared, and that made all the difference.

And then there had been the day when they'd stopped by the neighbourhood playground in the fading light, after Matthew had tugged insistently on the collar of Alex's pullover, wanting to get on the swings. She'd eased him into one of the specially-made baby swings, strapping him in, and watching his eyes light up and the sound of his gleeful giggles made her heart grow two sizes. Somehow, Alex'd been happy to just push him and watch him go back and forth, the easy thrill satisfying a mere child. And there had been the added fact of how Nikita had been sitting on one of the normal swings, feet grazing the ground as she watched Alex and Matthew, swinging slowly on the spot.

"Hey, Alex. Push me!" Nikita's playful side was Alex's Achilles heel, she was sure of it. Leaving Matthew to swing on the gathered momentum she'd given Nikita a test push, and watched her boost herself and swing up, kicking her legs out and fascinating Alex as she spied the necklace that never left her side catch the glint of the last rays of the day's sun, glow like the jewel Nikita herself was.

For a moment, Alex had felt almost like Michael.

Maybe the most bittersweet moment had been when Matthew had fallen against the side of the low table in his parents' room, and sliced his tiny palm open on the edge, leaving an ugly, gaping gash that had left his entire hand and wrist covered in blood. Alex had never seen Nikita thrown into such complete hysterics, nearly fainting from the sheer exhaustion from a sudden spike in heart rate and the exertion of screaming and panicking. She herself had nearly passed out when she'd seen the amount of blood and nearly given in to her own hysteria hearing Matthew's agonized screams and incessant tears, before forcing herself to grab the nearest cloth and apply pressure on the wound, basic first aid skills kicking in, then getting him to the nearest hospital, Nikita driving at breakneck speed down the roads like a maniac.

The wound had needed stitches, the doctor had informed them, and after hearing one loud shriek from inside the curtained-off partition, Alex had blatantly defied the stern hospital order that only family was allowed inside with the patient during treatment, slipping inside and standing behind Nikita, squeezing her shoulder in a show of support as she held her squirming son still so the doctor could stitch the injury up.

She'd found out a little later, not without much surprised pleasure when they were getting the medical report, that nobody had stopped her intrusion and bothered to ask whether she was family because of the way the three of them had acted around one another- the reassuring glances, soothing words, the panicked tension that had instantly been calmed when they'd been in each other's proximity. _So much like a family._

Alex hadn't needed to wonder when she'd become so in sync with them. It had seemed inevitable.

It made up for the lack of family back home...

Lost in her train of thought, with a dreamy smile on her face, Alex hadn't noticed Nikita push a freshly buttered croissant under her nose and wave. "Earth to Alex, eat up."

Alex accepted the pastry with a grateful smile, tucking in and savouring the familiar smell of _home. _Bread had become synonymous with coming home, the scent permeating through the house the moment one walked in. It was glorious.

Nikita's question jarred sharply with her happy, tranquil mood. "Alex, don't you have family?"

She started, eyes flickering. "What?"

"I mean..." The older woman got up and went to get another croissant from the oven for herself. "You seem to blend so seamlessly into our family. Into our home. And you know how I grew up in a hovel, where you learn about the dark side of humankind and you really see all sorts... and anyone who's ever been able to do that, usually doesn't have a solid family to call their own. It's just a question." She hurried to add on. "You don't have to answer it."

Alex shook her head, shoving the plate away, her appetite leaving her as quick as it had arrived. "You told me about your past, so I'll sum up mine. Это только справедливо, _it's only fair._" She felt the familiar tears springing to her eyes. "When I was barely seven or eight, my house was torched one night. My father got trapped in the cellar and asphyxiated; my mother was killed by a falling beam after she got me out to safety and went back for my father. I was taken in by my uncle... who had his own children to worry about, so I was basically neglected. So, like you..." She clenched a fist, trying to stop the tears from falling. She was stronger than this- but it still hurt after all these years. "I ran away. I took what I had, trained to become an au pair, because I wanted to work with children while... seeing the world, in a way. I've never had family, Nikita. Not really."

Nikita stayed quiet for a moment, then reached over the table and rested her hand on Alex's in a gesture that said a thousand words in a second of silence. When she spoke her voice was charged with forceful emotion. "You do now."

And amidst the flood of tears, the dam finally broken by the power of those three words, Alex realized that with Nikita, it wasn't about family.

It was about being in love.


	6. Mistakes Have Consequences

**AN: I realize I haven't said this at all but ****_thank you all _****so much for the reviews and support! I'm glad this was as well-received as Two Sides of War- even though that was my baby and I think it will forever be the best x)- and I'm glad you've enjoyed it. :)**

It was beginning to overshadow happy memories, haunting Alex at night.

Six months. Six more months, twenty-four more weeks, a hundred and sixty-eight more days... and her visa would expire and it would be time for her to go. The very thought of Michael (who would be back just about then, she remembered bitterly, leaving just when he returned), Matthew and Nikita sending her off at the airport, maybe watching through the glass panels with Matthew waving the very same way he'd sent his father off to Hong Kong... and knowing they would never see her again was like a bullet to the heart. The agency's policy was for their au pairs to always rotate families annually so people didn't get overly attached. She knew very well that her chances of seeing the Mears after returning to Russia were incredibly low. Nikita's words- _you do now- _stayed in her memories, but Alex knew that as time went on... they were going to forget. The tears blurred her vision and turned the glow-in-the-dark stickers on the wall into a fuzzy mess of soft yellowish-green. She would never, ever forget the Mears and everything they'd given to her. A home, a job, a family. But what had she given _them? _

_I just realized everything I have is someday going to be gone..._

Alex turned to her bedside table and blinked, adjusting to the darkness and reaching out to run her fingers gently over the photo propped up on the tabletop- the photo they'd taken on the first day she'd arrived. Michael carrying Matthew in his arms, genial smile on his face, Nikita's eyes sparkling with vitality, one arm around Alex's shoulders. It made her heart ache to see that, to a casual observer, it would have seemed as if they were your average family- Alex held just enough resemblance to her hosts that they could have pulled it off.

But to her, she realized, she would always look a little out of place. Maybe it was the slight fear and apprehension in her eyes, maybe it was the way she was stiff and tense while they were relaxed, maybe it was just because they were haunted by different ghosts.

Вы никогда не принадлежали, _you never really belonged. _The voice in her head taunted her with barbs where it hit the hardest. Of course not. They had known from the beginning she would have to leave. That she would always be Alexandra Udinov... _not Mears._

She could deny it all she wanted- Alex threw the covers over her head and pulled a pillow over her face, trying to force herself to sleep. But she knew from the day she'd arrived she'd wanted to be one of the Mears.

She wanted to be Alex Mears... and now, she realized, she wanted to be, in a way, _Michael. _She'd seen it, _she'd seen it, _the way Nikita's gaze rested on her a moment too long, the way electricity ran through her when they came into contact, that dazzling smile that Nikita reserved for her. She needed to know.

Alex was still thinking about it the next morning. She was absently picking at her ciabatta and trying to come to terms with her feelings. Okay, so she had known from the very start that she'd felt... a little more about Nikita. The question really was whether Nikita really felt the same way. And _what she was going to do about it._

Nikita frowned from the other end of the table. "Alex, you're distracted." She put her brioche down and gave her au pair a concerned look. "What's wrong?"

The Russian girl looked up, afraid that Nikita could see the raw emotion she was sure was written across her features. "I..." She trailed off, unable to put it into words.

"You know you can tell me anything." Nikita stood and shifted to a seat right beside Alex's, resting one hand lightly on her friend's, making Alex's heart race.

"Have you ever- have you ever fallen for somebody you know you can't have?"

Nikita stiffened in her chair, stilling as she caught the meaning behind Alex's question. "Alex," She breathed, and she could tell it was a warning.

"She's beautiful, Nikita. She makes me feel like I belong. She makes me feel different. She makes me feel strong, makes me happy. I never want to leave her side, even though I have to." She plowed on, desperate. "I know I can't have her. But I just want to know how she feels."

Her host closed her eyes, whispering a muted "Michael"- and yet it was half-hearted, it was shuddering with an emotion that was all-too-familiar to Alex. It was going too fast yet too slow and she _needed _to know-

"Nikita," Alex mustered up all her courage and gave it one shot, taking one deep, ragged breath. "Nikita, with you it isn't just family. I... I think I lo-"

A loud crash from behind them interrupted Alex and both women started, turning around to see Matthew, having crawled out from his seat and gone off to play, had knocked over the carefully dried and stacked (thankfully plastic) plates, and they lay scattered on the ground. Terrified by the sudden commotion, he was bawling now, and Alex rushed over to hug him tightly, feeling his fingers fist in her hair as he clung to her. Nikita moved towards the plates stiffly, almost robotically, and began to pick them up and replace them in a slow, sluggish manner. Alex's blood turned to ice, the pain of Matthew tugging at her long hair incomparable to the sudden agony that pierced her heart.

Had she gone too far?

Had she broken something she could never repair?

She watched silently as Nikita, with cold, calm efficiency, stacked up all the plates and put them in a safer area, then turned back to look at Alex, who was still clutching Matthew, sitting seiza on the ground. Her eyes were shadowed with an indescribable pain as she stood up and began to walk away. Her words were barely discernible, but Alex heard them anyway.

"Don't say it, Alex." Nikita murmured under her breath, one trembling fist clenched. "I want to protect you, too. Don't make it harder than it already is."

"Nikita, I just want to know-"

"I don't love you." It was a blatant lie; Alex heard the quiver in the words and saw Nikita bite her lip, her tells that she was lying, the tells Alex had picked up. But it echoed inside her head, hearing it from Nikita's lips. She tracked Nikita's movements as she darted swiftly out of the kitchen into the garden, shutting the door behind her, and tried to quell the hysterical sobs that were beginning to rise. She carried the whimpering Matthew back to his room and collapsed onto a chair.

She'd never cried harder in her life.


	7. Return

Alex felt like she'd bitterly disappointed Michael and broken her promise to take care of his wife and son while he was away, what with Nikita ignoring her and taking great pains to avoid her around the house. That in itself had felt like Alex was the proverbial punching bag in a training centre for boxers, but the ultimate devastating blow was when he host locked the door to the the kitchen one morning after many quiet, tense breakfasts together, hidden behind newspapers, books and laptop screens, leaving Alex sitting in the living room with Matthew's gummy hands linked around her neck and his words a babbling brook in her ear. The au pair had stared blankly in horror and disbelief at the solid panel and the click of the bolt, unable to comprehend the scene in front of her. In that moment, all the memories of having the first meal of the day together while laughing and making conversation, talking about the most inane topics, enjoying the simple pleasure of watching Nikita bake her marvelous creations and breathing the heavenly scent, the routine that had become something her heart beat to... it had been abruptly severed, and it was breaking Alex inside.

The worst part was how it wasn't actually outright cold, stony silence, or tension hanging in the air with electricity buzzing and tripwires layering the atmosphere, with Nikita ready to snap at Alex whenever it spoke. There was almost a mutual agreement that the situation was nobody's fault, that it was just... awkward. It was just simply... distance. Not just in the physical way, but Alex didn't miss how the soft smile and special glow in Nikita's eyes saved for her and her alone, that she'd learned to spot and made her heart melt, had seemed to desert Nikita completely. Anything said to Alex, from something to add to the grocery list to asking her to get Matthew to bed now lacked the rich emotion that Nikita had once placed into everything. Even Nikita's bread was taking on the same quality. No doubt the products exiting the oven were still brilliantly baked with the same skill that had always made then. Yet when Alex ate in frosty silence, mostly alone, the sound of teeth gnawing through flour and yeast and impossibly loud rushing through her ears, she could tell something was missing. Not anything concrete, but it just... it was just _missing. _

Her Nikita had gone with the wind... and it was her fault.

Why had she pushed so hard? Now she'd lost it all- lost it before she'd even gotten a grasp on it.

When Michael Skyped at two in the morning one day, Nikita and Matthew were fast asleep and Alex was poring through Mitch Albom's The Time Keeper in a valiant attempt to get herself to sleep. Insomnia's onset, a demon that had haunted her in the past, had returned with a vengeance surprisingly quickly after Nikita had begun to shut herself off from Alex. The ping from the laptop was reassuring, in a way, and Alex darted over to grab it and flip the cover open. Seeing Michael's face calmed her a little. He was still there, at least.

"Why's it all dark, Alex? Where's Niki? And Matt?"

Alex couldn't help but smile, stifling a giggle. "It's two in the morning here, Michael. They're asleep."

"Oh. Damn, I forgot about the timezones!" He slapped his forehead, and Alex noticed the sunlight streaming in from the giant glass panel of a window behind him. "I'm so sorry," he shook his head in exasperation. "Did I wake you up?"

She paused, wondering if she should tell him how she'd been unable to get to sleep the past weeks, before deciding it wouldn't be a good idea to worry him with what was happening at home. Why should he care anyway? She was, after all, still a temporary fixture in the lives of the Mears. It wasn't her place to tell him about her inability to sleep. She had to face her own issues.

Alex forced a smile on her lips and a stiff sentence through. "It's fine. I was up. What's going on?"

Michael didn't notice the inflection in her voice, the rough, hoarse scratch of pain, and instead happily went on with his piece of news. "Guess what? I've sealed a huge deal here in Hong Kong which is going to rake in _so much _for Percy. And you know how he rewarded me?"

"Promotion?"

"Bingo!" Michael grinned. "And the best part is, my promotion means I get a local job!" He let it sink in for a moment before continuing, "I'm coming home in a week!"

Okay, _that _was news. Great news, at that. Alex's rather dead, numb feeling- like Novocain in all her veins- fell away in that instant as she leapt up in shock, a genuine, huge grin spreading across her face. "Are you serious? You're not pulling my leg?" She watched in astonishment as he shook his head, laughter written all over his face. "да, _yes!_"

"Someone's missed me," Michael twirled a pen between his fingers and smirked. "Has it been that bad at home?"

A little flustered, Alex just laughed. "We all have. Missed you, I mean. I'm so glad." She held real tears of glee back. It would mean he could get through to Nikita, definitely- and it would be beautiful, she thought wistfully, to just see the Mears family complete again, even if she wasn't really a part of them. She just wanted to see Nikita's spirits raised... and maybe Michael could do that. His eyes were twinkling with excitement, and he continued. "You think you're awake enough to tell me how my wife and son have been?"

_My wife and son. _Like a punctured tyre, Alex felt the air rush out of her lungs and leave her breathless. Of course. That was why it would never work. She bit her lip and tasted the blood from the cut- it was her fault.

Then she smiled, showing too much teeth, and nodded. "I'm game."

Alex hadn't gone to bed til four, and she'd arrived at breakfast drowsy with obvious eyebags, grabbing a pumpernickel loaf and sitting down to eat it. Once, Nikita would have asked if she was sleeping okay.

Now, the question was irrelevant.

"Michael's coming home in a week." Alex had put on an obviously light, casual tone, as if she were talking about grocery shopping that week. She refused to look up, unable to face the light she was sure would flicker in Nikita's blank, dead eyes when she announced her news that morning.

"Oh," Nikita had answered vaguely. "Great."

But her au pair saw her hands begin to tremble. In joy? In fear? Anger, even?

"Why?"

"Huh?"

"Why's he coming home early?"

"Oh." Alex let a small smile appear on her face. "Big deal in Hong Kong. Promotion. He'll update us on the arrival details. He wants us there at the hall together."

Nikita shrugged imperceptibly. "Okay."

_Aren't you ever going to talk to me normally ever again? _Alex wanted to scream, but she just watched Nikita walk out, silently, and sighed.

A WEEK ON

They were going to meet Michael in two hours, and Alex was restlessly scrubbing at the breakfast dishes while Nikita bundled the last packages of bread into their various paper parcels. She'd been rehearsing a sort-of speech in her head for a while, trying to clear the air between her and Nikita. Even Matthew had been able to sense the tension between them now in the way children could just _tell. _It was grating on her nerves, because all she wanted was normality back.

"If you have something to say, say it before Michael comes home and everything just goes down the hill." Nikita murmured, as if able to read her thoughts.

Alex exhaled, setting the last plate down before turning to face Nikita. "Look, I just want to... I just want things to go back to normal. I don't know what you want me to say, I don't know _you _any more, Nikita- but I'm willing to say it. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, whatever. I'm not going to deny what I feel for you. But I don't want to lose our friendship, just because I think I'm in love and you are. It's just... a mutual understanding, you know?"

There. It was out, and if the world went to hell in a handbasket, she'd tried.

"Alex..." The tenderness in Nikita's reply was something she hadn't heard for what seemed like a thousand year. Perfect fingers brushed against the underside of Alex's jaw and turned her face to look straight into Nikita's eyes. "Don't make me feel like more of a cad than I already am. You were supposed to be a helper, a friend. Not anything more. You know how I feel about you... just leave it at that."

"Why can't you just be honest with yourself? That's all I ask!" She couldn't help the frustration spilling out in waves. "You wear that necklace every day, I've seen how you act around me- you can't keep denying it, especially not when Michael comes home! You can't hide forever, Nikita! You don't have to!"

They both looked at Matthew at the exact same time, and Alex hung her head, blinking away tears. _Right. _

Nikita's agony-filled "I do"- a vow steepled in despair and hurt- seemed to echo from very far away. It reminded Alex of a marriage vow, yet its meaning was so warped and so different from what the words meant when said in a chapel, a banquet hall.

There was a long beat of silence that stretched into forever, before Nikita cleared her throat. "Come on, we have to change, and pick Michael up."

"Okay." Alex got up, eyes dulled with heartache. Her movements were mechanical- scooping Matthew into her arms and running upstairs to get him changed, dressing up, packing The Time Keeper into a bag just in case, before heading out behind Nikita.

They waited at the seating area outside Arrivals, Nikita scrolling aimlessly through her phone while Alex read her book to Matthew, fidgeting in her seat. Of course everything would go absolutely to pieces on the day Michael came home. Of course. In a way, he and Matthew were the reason why she was breaking right then.

Yet when she saw him exit Customs, pass through the gates and open his arms in a hug, her heart leapt. _Finally. _

Because she might die inside, every single day, because of what Nikita was doing to her- but she needed her to be happy. And the sparkle in Nikita's eyes was enough to tell Alex that she was right.

"Welcome home." Nikita pressed an excited Matthew into Michael's arms and kissed him on the cheek. The exhaustion and defeat in her voice was unmistakable even mixed with a heavy dollop of joy, but Alex pushed it out of her mind as she gave Michael a hug. He was back, and their family- _her family_- was complete. For now, it was all that mattered.

(Especially with only a little longer left to go.)

Michael managed to tell after a week home, though, pulling Alex to the garden and speaking to her.

"Look, I haven't been around for a lot, and I have no idea what happened. But I can tell and even Matthew can- what's going on between you and Niki? Did you have a fight? You're part of our family, Alex." The words brought a lump to Alex's throat. "You can tell me anything. I'll try and get Nikita to listen to reason, etc."

Alex wanted to cry. She wanted to tell him everything, tell him how it had all started, tell him about the distance, tell him how much it hurt to cry herself to a disturbed, restless sleep every night.

She looked into the soft, dark eyes of someone she'd come to see as a father figure, a jarring difference from what she felt about his wife, and forced the lie past her lips.

"I'm fine."


	8. Au Revoir

**AN: M for smutty second-last chapter! ;) **

It was surreal, Alex pondered, carefully pasting photos she'd gotten Michael to help print at the Kodak store down the road into her scrapbook. Tomorrow, it was finally going to be over.

Michael's presence at home had been able to soothe some of the strain between Nikita and Alex, and it had made the house feel a lot more homey. The dinner table was complete again, and it made her feel at ease. Time had seemed to move faster with the entire family together.

But all good things came to an end, didn't they?

Her suitcase was already half-packed, her camera was filled with photos to remember _home _by, and she'd spent some time cleaning up the room to save Nikita and Michael the trouble. It was looking much sparser, without the decorations that had marked it as her own. She hadn't left, and she missed it already. Tonight, she'd be on her flight back to Russia. It would be over.

There. The scrapbook was done. She hoped the Mears would like it. Time to give it away.

Michael, Nikita and Matthew were all sitting on the sofa watching TV when Alex went over to them, squirming a little. "Michael, Nikita?"

They had understood almost immediately, getting up and standing in front of her.

"It's my last day here, and I just want to say..." She sighed. "Thank you. Thank you for all this. Thank you for giving me a home, a family... for making me feel like I belonged. Thank you for a wonderful year here. For everything. I will never forget you." She passed the scrapbook into Michael's hands. "I hope you like this."

Nikita was silent, rocking Matthew in her arms, and Alex couldn't bear to look into her eyes. She could feel her heart shattering into tiny shards, choking her and cutting her to pieces. The tears blurred her vision, and she felt the familiar weight on her chest, the numbness, the dry throat that split down a fault line. Once again... she had to leave, and it was killing her.

"Alex... we're sorry you have to leave." Michael sounded genuinely sorrowful, and it send a fresh bout of heartache through Alex- talking to them made her realize just how much she was going to miss them. "I'll get your final paycheck."

Alex fell quiet, glancing over at Nikita to see her reaction as Michael darted to the safe in the study. She was still expressionless, cooing softly to Matthew, and Alex felt her stomach twist. Why wasn't she saying a word?

"I'm... going to finish up my packing." Alex murmured weakly and ducked out to her room, running up the staircase. She hurriedly swept a sleeve across her eyes, refusing to cry.

She began to shove the rest of her clothes into her suitcase when her eyes fell on the memento box she'd wrapped in bubble wrap and placed amongst her shirts to keep safe. It had just three items- one of Michael's custom-made pens which he'd engraved her name on, Matthew's raggedy teddy bear which he'd lost interest in, and a folder of bread recipes that Nikita had compiled. Alex stared for a long moment, finally breaking out of her reverie when Nikita's voice drifted over from the doorway, where the older woman was leaning against the doorframe. "Need help?" She didn't wait for an answer, striding in and shutting the door behind her.

"I'm good."

"Are you?" Nikita bent down, eyeing her half-filled case. "You're leaving tonight. Don't you have anything else to say to me?"

"No." Alex answered tersely. There was nothing to say if Nikita didn't have anything to say. A clean break would be better than nothing.

"Well then, I do."

With that, Nikita pushed Alex back against the foot of her bed, the intense smoldering in her eyes telltale and distinct. Alex's breath caught as Nikita kneeled between her legs and caught her lips in a hungry kiss, long and deep. The world seemed to fade around her, and all she could feel was lips and teeth and tongue and one hand fisting in her hair and the other pressed against her abdomen, the rush of heat burning against her skin, her nails sinking into Nikita's shoulders and pulling her closer, a soft moan rippling from her lips, mixed with a gasp of a name- _"Nikita". _Alex felt her fingers tug at the waistband of Nikita's shorts, and suddenly Nikita jerked away from her, shaking her head. The current of disappointment quivered down Alex's spine. _Oh. _

"I'm sorry," Nikita buried her face in her hand, drawing back. "That was uncalled for. Especially when... you're leaving."

"Run away with me," The words dropped from Alex's lips, breathless. "We can go anywhere. Together. You don't love him that way, you can leave. You can start again, Nikita. With someone you're in love with." She paused, gauging her reaction. "With me."

Her eyes, shadowed with pain, told Alex everything she'd known from the start. The expression on her face hurt more than the words Nikita spoke, what Alex already knew. "I can't."

_Matthew. Michael. A steady job, a home, a family. _

Alex's shoulders sagged as the adrenaline rush of the kiss died down, and she shrank back. "I know," She breathed, trying to hold back the rising sobs. "I know. Nikita, I-"

Nikita cut her off with a repeat of the kiss they'd shared just moments before, this time with hands pressing against skin under Alex's shirt, her lips moving to Alex's jaw, her throat, her collarbones. The edges of the necklace cut against Alex's chest, but she ignored it.

"Nikita," Alex warned quietly as she shoved Alex's top further up.

"If this is goodbye forever, then let me enjoy it."

"Michael-"

Nikita hissed and tore Alex's shirt off, refusing to let her go any further. "Shut up, Alex." Fingers- skilled yet trembling, and Alex realized Nikita was feeling _scared, _vulnerable- unclasped straps and Nikita dragged her tongue down Alex's chest. Slow and gentle and _definitely not chaste _and Alex couldn't breathe, couldn't speak, couldn't think.

_She's spoken for, Alex, _her rational side snarled. _Stop. Stop it now._

And then Nikita forced her sweatpants past her hips and down her legs and Alex felt all reason leave her as the cold wind of air-conditioning touched her skin, freezing as Nikita moved downwards and left tiny bites across the expanse of her slender thighs. _"Please._"

"Please what?"

Alex swallowed, close to tears. "Fuck me."

Nikita gazed up at her and sighed. "Alex..."

Fingers buried themselves in Alex's core, and she arched into Nikita's hand, stifling a cry. Nikita muffled her moans with a slow, exquisite kiss that burned its way down her throat. The rhythm was hard, fast, Alex could feel Nikita's keening vibrate against her throat as they came in unison. Alex hadn't even taken a proper breath before Nikita slipped her thigh between's Alex's open legs, moving slowly against the girl lying supine on the ground. Alex breathed hard, propping herself up and dusting kisses against Nikita's collarbones, hands resting against her hips. White-hot need and satisfaction flooded her veins, and when Nikita came, reduced to boneless, fragile shudders, Alex collapsed against the ground with her.

"Nikita?" Alex asked, a question entailing a thousand more as her fingers pumped gently in and out of the velvet of Nikita's centre.

"I guess it's goodbye forever." Nikita's eyes were closed, teeth gritted as she clenched around Alex's digits, then sighed, letting the pleasure roll off her in waves. "You won't forget this, will you? Forget me?"

Alex laughed, bitter and mirthless, and it was all the answer she needed.

That gaze of loss, of need in Nikita's eyes was the exact one that Alex faced that night, waving a final au revoir to her family in the departure hall.

That was it.

That was the end.

She had learnt so much, loved and lost, and it had made for a bittersweet year.

With a heavy heart, Alex trudged towards Customs, and wondered what would be in store for her without Nikita by her side.


	9. Finale

**AN: Thanks to all my readers and reviewers over the course of this fanfiction. Hope you've enjoyed this, and I hope I'll be able to write another multi-chaptered soon :) Here's the last chapter and once again thank you for all your support! :)**

_It had all been a blur._

_People screaming- children too- the loud thudding of boots on pavements, the road was running red. Alex wasn't sure whether to feel scared, just standing near the letterbox, feeling overwhelmed. She'd heard about the riots, but so far they'd been far away, and she hadn't expected-_

_There was a sudden loud bang in her direction. She felt someone punch her in the chest... but there wasn't anyone around. Puzzled, she looked around for the unknown assailant, but there was nobody that close to her. Strange._

_Hold on... Alex paused. Why was the road tilting? Slanting upwards? Everything was leaning, and it was as if something was sucking the colour out of the scenery. Everything was bleeding away into black and white, apart from a few splotches of brightness here and there. The one that stood out most was red. _

_Red._

_Blood, Alex's brain processed it very calmly as she stared down at her front. The crimson hue was spreading swiftly across her top. The previous noise had been drowned out by the blood rushing in her ears. Everything had faded, coming to points in her vision. _

_Everything was upside down. There was a mess of legs in black pants and heavy soles and rough gravel, and a steadily widening circle of scarlet around her. Alex realized she was struggling to breathe, trying to draw oxygen into her lungs. It wasn't working. Why was it so hard to breathe? _

_Three figures, ghostly and transparent, hovered in front of her. Alex tried to reach out for them- a sturdy young man carrying a baby boy on his shoulders, one arm wrapped around the waist of the beautiful woman beside him... her arms were open in an embrace. They were watching her, some sort of sadness in their expressions. Her hand refused to listen to her commands- she couldn't get up. She wanted to run straight into the arms of the beautiful figure, where she knew she'd belong. _

_But she couldn't move. Not anymore. Darkness was rapidly closing in, and she made one last valiant attempt at getting to the figures. They seemed to notice, coming closer towards her instead of waiting for her to join them. The woman kneeled by her side, and in that moment, Alex knew she was going to be okay. People were waiting for her. She was going to be fine. Her lungs didn't need to work any longer. Her heart didn't need to beat. It was going to be fine. _

_Alexandra Udinov smiled and let a gentle hand stroke her eyelids downwards, feeling the tension drain from her body. One final word escaped her lips._

_"Nikita."_

The news of the riots in Russia had come two months later. Violent and bloody, with gruesome, horrific images of murder, torture and bloodshed that had burned themselves into Nikita's memories.

Alex's last wish had been to be buried at the cemetery near the block where the Mears' resided, Nikita had learned in a formal letter mailed to the house. She'd listed the Mears as her beneficiary, inheriting what mere assets she had.

The same letter had reassured that the girl had died quickly and painlessly in a generic, neutral tone, and included a letter from Alex that she'd been going to post when the swarm of enraged rioters had robbed her of her life and the future she would now never have, as well as the possessions she'd been carrying at the time- some money, ID, a small photo.

_Nikita,_

_It's been two months, and I know I haven't written. I'm sorry (and I miss having a computer at my disposal)._

_Things are alright here in Russia... same old, same old. Talk of political violence but I don't think it'll amount to much._

(That part had made the pain in Nikita's heart almost unbearable.)

_The agency's hooked me up with a new family and I'll be flying off to London in a week. Just thought you might like to know._

_Give my love to Michael and Matthew- he looks like he's going to grow up to be very handsome._

(You won't get to see him then, Nikita wanted to scream as she looked down at the child dozing in her lap.)

_I miss you so much. A day doesn't go by when I don't think about you._

_I love you, Nikita Mears. Wish I was there._

_Alex_

One glance at the photograph Alex had had on her person, one glance at the three-_no, four_- Mears' smiles, one glance at the memories of time gone by, and Nikita's world had come crashing down.

And now after all the processes were finalized, Alexandra Udinov was being buried at the nearby cemetery that afternoon. Nikita checked her reflection in the mirror and made sure she looked presentable for her final goodbye to the girl she'd fallen in love with... the girl she'd lost.

She stood in silence for a moment, just observing herself, then quietly murmured, "Alex."

She knew she wasn't hearing things when she felt the light pressure of phantom lips on her cheek and a wispy reply that a sudden gust of wind had brought along. _Nikita. _

She smiled, just a slight twitch of her lips.

No, she hadn't really lost Alex. Not really. _Not ever._

"Niki?" Michael popped his head into the bathroom with a concerned look on his face. "You ready to go? Matthew's going to mess up his outfit if we wait any longer."

Nikita fingered the sharp angles of the pendant on her neck, the precious, priceless _Nikita,_ and nodded. "Yeah. I'm coming."


End file.
